Dess Artem, who everyone online affectionately (let’s hope) knows as Dess Artem, was vaulting across Matt and Mello’s apartment from her and Twi’s fic Resurgence, pretty much freaking out in a very cartoonish way. Matt and Mello were not present because they were momentarily tied up in the closet so they don’t get in the way, which would be bad since they’d be stampeded by a very freaking-out, quite largeish blonde chick, which would be bad since they are thinner than Twi, which is saying something.

“GAH, DAMMIT, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!!” she said frantically as she skidded to a stop in the kitchen, standing on her bare toes to look on top of the fridge in an act of almost-final desperation.

Mello, who was certainly strong enough to barge his way through a closet door (especially one that doesn’t have a lock), suddenly barged out just as she was looking inside the fridge itself for the third time. “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Oh not now, Mello! I’m TRYING to do something very important!” she snapped back, now searching the cabinets and blowing him off completely.

Mello blinked. “…How did-?”

“I said not now!”

Matt, a bit woozy from hitting his head on the back of the closet when thrown in, as well as woozy from having Mello woozily on top of him for a good few minutes after being woozily thrown into the closet, stumbled woozily from the closet while woozily rubbing his head. Woozy. “Ow…What the fuck was that?”

“Matt, she knows me! I don’t know her, though!”

Dess was busy not listening to them and raiding the right-by-kitchen-with-no-wall-between living room, actually sticking her top half under the entertainment center to search down there for whatever reason. How she fit those gallon-sizes under such a small space was only because this is her fic and she’ll do whatever the hell she pleases, thankayou very much. She continued mumbling curses to herself, pausing to cough from the dust that had collected under the entertainment center.

“Hey, you, respond! I’m warning you, you’d better tell us just what’s going on, or else!” He let that threat hang, since it was a Mello Threat and Mello Threats just don’t need to be said aloud.

Dess still ignored him.

Mello was about to go pummel her to a squishy(er) pulp when Matt quickly caught him around the waist and hoisted him up a few inches to stop him. “Mello, wait! Just throwing yourself into a battle is never good, especially a potential boss!”

Mello stopped thrashing to stare at him incredulously. “You did not just say that…”

“Got my point across. Let me handle this.” When Mello didn’t protest, which meant he was possibly relenting, Matt put him down and took a couple steps toward the blonde stranger, who was giving Norwald a strip search. When no cutscene played, Matt spoke. “Er, mind telling us who you are and why you’re here?” Behind him, Mello facepalmed. “…Please?”

“It’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I have no clue what to give her! She’s a huge fan of your pairing (hehe, my fault), so I was thinking of breaking the laws of reality to get her a super-special-super-awesome birthday present by coming here, but so far I can’t find anything! And her birthday’s today!”

Matt and Mello stared at her.

She paused and stared at them.

There was the most epic three-way staring contest in all of history.

Dess grinned an evil grin which made even Mello blanch.

A few minutes, much swearing and yelling, and much SuperAuthorPower later, Matt and Mello were tied up and somehow stuffed into Dess’ backpack, on their way to school with her.